<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>If It Makes You Happy by superwholockedin</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28164528">If It Makes You Happy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/superwholockedin/pseuds/superwholockedin'>superwholockedin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hyperventilating, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, author doesn't know how discord works</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:47:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,692</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28164528</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/superwholockedin/pseuds/superwholockedin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He can hardly hear anything beyond his own gasping and choking. The ugly sounds escaping his lips are so embarrassing and he wants them to stop, god does he need them to stop. He tries, focuses his mind on silencing the sounds and he’s successful for a few seconds but his breathing picks up again. The sound is replaced with the wheezing sound of his pathetic lungs attempting to pull in oxygen. His chest rises and falls way too fast and his head only hurts more as he pulls in gasps. And his attention shifts once more to keeping his breathing on track.</p>
<p>“Can you focus on my voice?” The voice scares him enough to look up, in a panic. He knows the voice well and hearing it now makes him feel a little less cold, even for a moment. “It’s okay, just keep breathing, okay?”</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Sykkuno calls Corpse in the midst of a panic attack</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>No Romantic Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>205</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If It Makes You Happy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So I wrote this instead of my final essay because I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life yesterday and one of the only things that helped me calm down was Corpse and Sykkuno (+ friends) </p>
<p>That being said, this is not my best writing but I just wanted to vent in the only way I really know how to lmfaooo </p>
<p>Anyways, this is not written in a romantic way (but i mean read it as you wish ig) but if corpse or sykkuno or anyone else related says that they are uncomfortable, I will take this down. Also I do not imply to know anything about them beyond what they show us and I have written solely based on their internet personas.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>This was humiliating.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If he could gain any control--any at all-- over his body, he’d slap himself for this.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But it’d been a moment of weakness and pure panic that had brought him to this. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To log into discord. A new spell of panic rushed through his body when the loading symbol kept circling for what felt like a year. To rush through his contacts, searching for one name and pressing the call button. He doesn’t even know if the other is online right now, his vision was blurring far too much to see. He rushes a hand over his face again, fingers coming back wet and shaking. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His chest aches and he feels like he’s just gotten off of a spin ride. He leans forward, remembering somewhere through the fog of his mind that someone had said putting your head between your knees helps. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can hardly hear anything beyond his own gasping and choking. The ugly sounds escaping his lips are so embarrassing and he wants them to stop, </span>
  <em>
    <span>god does he need them to stop. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He tries, focuses his mind on silencing the sounds and he’s successful for a few seconds but his breathing picks up again. The sound is replaced with the wheezing sound of his pathetic lungs attempting to pull in oxygen. His chest rises and falls way too fast and his head only hurts more as he pulls in gasps. And his attention shifts once more to keeping his breathing on track.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh my god, can someone die from a panic attack?</span>
  </em>
  <span> His brain ever so helpfully slips in this concern. He’s had enough panic attacks to know that he won’t die but the rational piece of his mind is broken right now and the thought of dying only sends him deeper into the spiral. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A sob rips out of his body once more and he nearly topples out of his chair. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you focus on my voice?” The voice scares him enough to look up, in a panic. He knows the voice well and hearing it now makes him feel a little less cold, even for a moment. “It’s okay, just keep breathing, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knows that his face would have turned bright red if not for the fact that it was already scrubbed half off. “I--” he opens his mouth to apologize--is he bothering him? What if he was busy or couldn’t talk right now? He was far too nice to just hang up on him but--.  He doesn’t even know how long the call has been connected or how long it’s even been since he clicked that call symbol. A sob racks through him again and the only benefit is that it cuts off his train of thought. “I’m--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t talk yet, just focus on breathing” the soothing voice comforts. “Can you follow my count?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Honestly, he doesn’t know if he can. He can’t bring himself to nod or shake his head but the voice continues anyway. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Breathe in...1...2...3...4....hold that in,” Sykkuno tries to follow along, he really does, but a hiccup cuts into the breath and another sob crashes out of his body. “Don’t worry, let’s try again.” he soothes and restarts the count. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It takes about 5 sets for him to calm down but finally, he reaches a hand up to rub the water from his eyes. He can feel the beginnings of swelling and he feels the humiliation catching up to him once more. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I-I’m…” He starts, still shaking. He covers his face with a shaking hand and squeezes his eyes shut. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sy, it’s okay, really.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Were...were you b...busy? I’m sorry if y-you were d-doing something and I’m b-bothering you--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You never bother me, Sykkuno, I promise.” Corpse presses. Sykkuno finally brings himself to look at the screen. In the corner, he can see his blotchy and disgusting face. On the other hand, Corpse’s screen is black, facing a darkened room. But he can see someone moving around, just a shadow, and it brings him comfort. “How are you feeling?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“B-better.” he replies honestly. “T-thanks…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad.” It sounds like Corpse is smiling but Sykkuno’s probably imagining things, right? “Do you..uh...do you want to...uh...talk about it?” Corpse asks awkwardly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sykkuno clears his throat, working through the tightness remaining there. “Uh…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t--!” Corpse rushes out but then coughs awkwardly, restarting in a calmer voice. “You don’t have to. I just know it helps...uh...to talk about it...sometimes.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Corpse. You..uh,...you helped a lot but I don’t want to take any more of your time..” Sykkuno trailed off. Honestly, he’d love to talk to him longer but he had already ambushed him and forced him into comforting him like a child.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want to force you so if you’re sure, that’s fine. But you know that I really do care and I really want to hear it if you want to talk, right?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Pressure builds up behind his eyes once more and he looks away from the computer, his fingers coming up to smooth out his hair. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, of course” he rushes out but he knows Corpse can hear the way his voice cracks and strains. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Corpse, sensing that this wasn’t productive, changes the topic. “Uhm...so...what are you doing today?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, uh, not much. Yeah, not much, I think I was going to play something with Rae tonight but I don’t know…” he trails off. He always feels awkward talking about plans with people with other people. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s cool, do you know what you’re going to play?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They talk for another 30 minutes about the games they were playing and things they were interested in. Both are laughing and having a good time and it’s clear that Sykkuno is feeling better after a while. In fact, they don’t talk about Sykkuno’s attack for those 30 minutes until Corpse mentions something he saw on twitter. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s completely unrelated to Sykkuno but it doesn’t escape Corpse’s notice when Sykkuno goes silent. Under normal circumstances, Sykkuno would have laughed at the meme he’d referenced or awkwardly even in confusion if he didn’t understand. Corpse waits for the “wait, what?” to come or the “oh jesus.” Anything to show that Sykkuno even heard him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Instead, he watches as Sykkuno’s face goes blank and he smooths his hair once more. He covers his face with his right hand but it’s not the normal cover up for his smile. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sykkuno?” Corpse prompts and watches as Sykkuno blinks, seemingly pulled from his thoughts. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Huh? Oh, sorry, I…” he clearly has no excuse ready to provide but Corpse isn’t mad, just confused. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What just happened?” he asks and he ensures that he doesn’t seem angry, he’s not and he doesn’t want Sykkuno to shut him out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Oh, nothing, nothing happened I just...I got distracted, sorry ‘bout that.” It’s a clear lie.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sykkuno, talk to me, please” Corpse hates to pry but it’s clear that something is still bothering him and that he doesn’t intend to talk about it. “No judgement, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The silence that follows tells Corpse that he’s cracked it. Sykkuno looks down at his keyboard but he doesn’t insist on changing the subject so Corpse gives him time. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s..it’s nothing, really. It’s pretty dumb actually.” he shrugs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I bet it’s not.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It takes a moment but finally Sykkuno speaks: “I...I don’t check twitter that often but...I got a notification this morning from Rae and I went to check it. While I was on there I figured, why not check my DMs…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>oh.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “There were a lot of good ones, really there were…but there...there are a lot of...not so nice ones.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sy..” Corpse doesn’t mean for the nickname to slip out but he doesn’t particularly care when it does. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s really dumb, I told you” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No it’s not. I get those a lot too and it bothers the hell out of me. I’m just sorry that you have to go through that”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But everyone goes through it, I’m just being sensitive, you know? I don’t know why anyone would say anything mean about you, Corpse. You’re one of the best people I know!” He compliments and--while Corpse will not deny that his face flushes red and his stomach definitely flutters--Sykkuno is changing the subject and he cannot allow that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sykkuno, you are the sweetest and kindest person I know but don’t you dare change the subject right now. Just because other people go through the same thing does not mean you are not allowed to be upset by it.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He sees that Sykkuno considers that for a moment before shrugging. “It’s not that bad, sometimes they just...they all want me to do stuff for them and...and I want to...I want to make everyone happy and do what they want but there’s so much and sometimes I..I don’t want to...does that make me horrible?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You are so far from horrible, Sy,” Corpse presses. “There’s thousands of them and one of you. They can be super sweet but they can be really toxic sometimes. You’re allowed to be upset about it. And I know you never want to hurt anyone or make anyone unhappy but you have to be there for yourself too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After a beat of silence, Corpse raises an eyebrow. “Sykkuno?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t...I don’t know how.” Sykkuno shrugs, avoiding looking at Corpse. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You always make sure that everyone is happy” Corpse says again and Sykkuno nods. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course! I just want everyone to have a good time. Especially my friends.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Corpse nods again. “Exactly. Can you...can you just be a better friend to yourself?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sykkuno goes silent again for a moment and Corpse worries that he will argue again but instead, he nods. “I...I can try…if it will make you happy Corpse.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And...it’s not exactly progress but it is a step in the right direction so Corpse just sighs quietly and says;</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It would make me so happy, Sy.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>